This might seem like an aimless blog post, but humor me. And I don't know, perhaps some of you can relate. For those of us that are always trying to put things in perspective, sometimes it feels like we turn our thoughts to something else that should be comforting or convicting, and that opens a whole different can of worms.
I had to go up to my classroom this last Sunday for the first time since starting our "continuous learning" last week. I didn't think much of it, because the trip was very purposeful. I knew exactly what I needed and I told my husband that I would be back in about an hour (FYI, I live 30 minutes away). And ended up returning about 2 hours later... The moment I walked in to my room, and I smelled that familiar smell - part dusty, part cleaner, and I SWEAR my instruments have a distinctive smell, especially the wooden ones... It's probably like that new baby smell to moms. Then I felt the twinge. That same twinge that moms of young ones feel when you realize that your babies are away from you but they are so dependent on you.
I felt that I was supposed to be THERE, not at home. I started feeling angry. REALLY angry. All of the prior feelings of the previous week that I had forced myself to focus on (the excitement of trying something new and creating something) VANISHED. It was like someone lifted the curtain and I, the performer, froze.
If there's anything I've learned in the last two years it's that I need to let myself feel things. So I turned on my camera and talked through it. I was mad that I had somehow expected to find something in this new model that felt like my class. I didn't and I can't see how I will. Yesterday I was in the place where the magic of my job happens... one of the few places where I feel like I am in my element. And I suddenly felt really hopeless. I didn't share the video because it was such a 180* shift from where I was last week, and that was probably a good thing to keep that to myself. I needed to let that out, but also not allow myself to just wallow in it. The quest for perspective started...
I miss the kids and the interaction. However, my fellow specialists can't expect all of the kids to share what they are doing every single week in this situation, because we are separate and thus an added layer of difficulty in a homeschooling situation that is already overwhelming to a lot of our families. We serve over 480 students, and with all of them sharing in some way each week, that's a LOT. We strive so hard to make our classrooms safe spaces for the kids to participate and share. Many of the kids most certainly are NOT comfortable with this new way of sharing, so we can't expect the same level of participation that we work our tails off to foster every day of a normal week. So I chastised myself for being disappointed.
There was one bit of perspective - that this is just plain hard for the families and the kids (myself included when I have my "mom hat" on), and they are just trying to figure it all out. But at the same time, I selfishly want it to be just as important as Reading Writing and Arithmetic, and it just didn't seem to be that way. I have heard more than one fellow educator (both music and non-music teachers) say that given the choice when prioritizing time between music, art, PE activities and reading/math lessons, reading/math would definitely win.
There was another bit of perspective. My working mom brain completely agreed that prioritizing time is a survival skill right now. While the logical part of my brain gets it, it is a gut-punch every single time. I have made more than one comment to fellow music teachers that we just can't allow ourselves to take it personally when we are reduced to an optional add-on or an afterthought in this extraordinary time. I am having the hardest time "walking the talk" right now. It is those comments that start a tornado in my mind that ends in me feeling really insignificant and expendable.
If you're looking for a happy ending or a breakthrough, I'm sorry, I don't have it... yet. One of my favorite bloggers, Kristina Kuzmic, learned from a therapist years ago and now encourages all of us to own our negative feelings but to always tack on the end of them "right now." It removes that sense of permanence. I feel very discouraged... right now. I feel very disconnected... right now. I don't know what to do to feel better in this situation... right now. Somehow, someway this firestorm will either work itself out or it will fade in importance. And I'm not going to sit still in it.
So for any non-educator reading this, support your kids' teachers - ALL of their teachers. We are not okay with this new thing. We are doing it because it's required of us and we know that anything that brings a bit of normalcy to the kids is a good thing. But at the end of this pandemic, we don't want it to be "normal." I know that I can't be the only one who is incredibly frustrated and upset.
In the meantime, I'm carving out some time to separate from this. I'm going to learn new songs on my ukulele, and have late afternoon/ evening jam sessions on my porch with or without the girls. I'm going to do yoga outside. I'm going to have game night with the hubby and the girls a few times a week. For the last couple of afternoons, we spent 30 minutes to an hour sitting all 4 of us on our trampoline, throwing a ball around, and just bouncing each other around. This could be a sign that my identity has long been too wrapped up in my job. It should not be number one in my life, and this seems like the kick in the pants to put it back in its place.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Heartbroken, Scared, yet Grateful - Thinking About Teaching During This Crisis
When I first read the news on Tuesday that our school buildings would not re-open for class after Spring Break and for the remainder of the school year, the flood of emotions of all kinds was overwhelming. I spent the rest of the day either crying or on the verge of crying. After a few days of stewing, there are three emotions that have floated to the top.
Heartbroken. Our remaining concerts are canceled. Technology has ways around that, of course, and trust me, I hope and pray that I'll be able to make that happen. But there really is no replacement for performing in the same room with a group of people - synchronizing and blending our sounds and enjoying the feelings of being part of something bigger. For so many of my kids, the stage concert is what they LIVE for, strive for, ask about on the first day of music class, and count down the days to do. Also, as I have seen so many other teachers lament, so many of us save the most exciting units and activities for 4th quarter. That's the home stretch. We're all restless and Spring Fever is a THING. Thinking that I'm going to miss watching the kids play those instruments, create those ensemble moments, and play those games together just guts me.
Scared. I like technology for my own personal use. In my classroom, I use it heavily to create. I create plenty of nice looking visuals that I project (mainly so that I don't have to walk over and look at my lesson plan every 5 minutes). I'm at pro-level working with PowerPoint. I feel so savvy when I leave sub lesson plans that say, "Just start the slideshow. The music plays automatically on the first page of each song, and the slides should change automatically until the end of the song." But in terms of using technology as a medium for the kids, I start to sweat. We have a lot of devices in my building, but we also have large class sizes in the upper grades and they are only 1:1 in 5th grade. The logistics it takes to make sure that we have devices in my room for three consecutive days (for all the classes to rotate) at their particular class time, makes me break out in hives. Early on in my school's strides toward getting devices for all or most of the kids to use (over several years now), I got the distinct impression that those devices were meant for the homeroom classrooms. Yet, as a specialist, I was still expected to go through all of the professional development asking me to think of ways to utilize them. Fast forward a few years, and there's much more available. Why in the world would I still hold on to that "can't touch this" impression? Because logistics make me crazy. That's why. And solving all of the inevitable problems the kids will have using them, terrifies me. I'm on a time crunch. I only have 45 minutes every 3rd day. With the big kids I find I have about 30-35 minutes to Get. Stuff. Done. Anything with tech, had better serve whatever performance skill we are working on in just a few minutes or reinforce a concept better than the physical experience of playing instruments, singing games, or dancing.
Grateful. Why such a different emotion? Well, I just got the biggest kick-in-the-pants of my career. Prior to this it was coming back from only 6 weeks of maternity leave and realizing that I was not emotionally ready, but I was also emotionally obligated to get my "other kids" ready for their performances. That was ROUGH, and I had to trudge through that. Well, here I am emotionally strangled from missing out on some of my favorite opportunities for connection with the kids and their families, but I'm emotionally obligated to try for their sake to use this medium that fills me with fear. If ever there was a time to engage the kids through tech, it's right now. So I am grateful for the nudge (though it feels like a drop-kick). And I'm going to try my darndest to make something of it.
Heartbroken. Our remaining concerts are canceled. Technology has ways around that, of course, and trust me, I hope and pray that I'll be able to make that happen. But there really is no replacement for performing in the same room with a group of people - synchronizing and blending our sounds and enjoying the feelings of being part of something bigger. For so many of my kids, the stage concert is what they LIVE for, strive for, ask about on the first day of music class, and count down the days to do. Also, as I have seen so many other teachers lament, so many of us save the most exciting units and activities for 4th quarter. That's the home stretch. We're all restless and Spring Fever is a THING. Thinking that I'm going to miss watching the kids play those instruments, create those ensemble moments, and play those games together just guts me.
Scared. I like technology for my own personal use. In my classroom, I use it heavily to create. I create plenty of nice looking visuals that I project (mainly so that I don't have to walk over and look at my lesson plan every 5 minutes). I'm at pro-level working with PowerPoint. I feel so savvy when I leave sub lesson plans that say, "Just start the slideshow. The music plays automatically on the first page of each song, and the slides should change automatically until the end of the song." But in terms of using technology as a medium for the kids, I start to sweat. We have a lot of devices in my building, but we also have large class sizes in the upper grades and they are only 1:1 in 5th grade. The logistics it takes to make sure that we have devices in my room for three consecutive days (for all the classes to rotate) at their particular class time, makes me break out in hives. Early on in my school's strides toward getting devices for all or most of the kids to use (over several years now), I got the distinct impression that those devices were meant for the homeroom classrooms. Yet, as a specialist, I was still expected to go through all of the professional development asking me to think of ways to utilize them. Fast forward a few years, and there's much more available. Why in the world would I still hold on to that "can't touch this" impression? Because logistics make me crazy. That's why. And solving all of the inevitable problems the kids will have using them, terrifies me. I'm on a time crunch. I only have 45 minutes every 3rd day. With the big kids I find I have about 30-35 minutes to Get. Stuff. Done. Anything with tech, had better serve whatever performance skill we are working on in just a few minutes or reinforce a concept better than the physical experience of playing instruments, singing games, or dancing.
Grateful. Why such a different emotion? Well, I just got the biggest kick-in-the-pants of my career. Prior to this it was coming back from only 6 weeks of maternity leave and realizing that I was not emotionally ready, but I was also emotionally obligated to get my "other kids" ready for their performances. That was ROUGH, and I had to trudge through that. Well, here I am emotionally strangled from missing out on some of my favorite opportunities for connection with the kids and their families, but I'm emotionally obligated to try for their sake to use this medium that fills me with fear. If ever there was a time to engage the kids through tech, it's right now. So I am grateful for the nudge (though it feels like a drop-kick). And I'm going to try my darndest to make something of it.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Parenting Different Personalities And Ages
This may not be a super informative post, but perhaps some others are in the same boat and we can commiserate.
I have two young ladies in my house who are VERY different, in many ways. And yet... they are definitely sisters. They look like carbon copies. If we hold up pictures of my oldest at the same age next to my youngest's pictures, you can't tell them apart. When my youngest speaks, I get flashbacks to her sister's adorable little voice and squeals at that age.
Yin and Yang.
They are 7-1/2 years apart in age for starters. That's enough to make a large distinction between them. But in personality, we are starting to see differences in fundamental ways.
My oldest is the bull-headed one, a ball of social fireworks. She was born shortly before the 4th of July and it SHOWS (in fact she was due right after the 4th but decided to make a dramatic early entrance)! She always is convinced that she is right, even when she's not. And she'll stick to her guns until she gets tired of the standoff. We have gone DAYS before she would finally admit her fault and apologize. Her mind is always going a-mile-a-minute, and that can cause intense creativity or an absolute disaster. Yet there's this other side to her that is incredibly caring and soft. If you are one of her favorite people, she will fall all over herself to ensure that you are okay if you appear hurt or sad. She feels her emotions SO deeply and wears her heart on her sleeve constantly. She's going to be something distinguished with that interesting cocktail of character traits! She is so much like her daddy it's mind boggling. (Though he would claim she is so much more like me)
My youngest is only 2 but even in the last four months since her birthday, we have watched her language abilities EXPLODE and that means we are seeing her express herself much more. I mean, it shouldn't be surprising but it IS! She has her moments like all 2-year-olds when she doesn't know how she feels or what she wants, and all we can do is let her have her cry about it. I can't say that I blame her. I have plenty of those days myself! Most of the time, she can tell you all about this and that - shapes, colors, numbers, characters... But what I see in her is the observer. She loves to talk to us and I hear that among "her peeps" at daycare she will talk if asked, but outside of that in new situations or even around people she doesn't see every day, she hangs back and watches. She is the shy one, the compliant one. It takes very little time for her to back down and apologize when she's made a bad choice. She LOVES her people and wants to show them how much CONSTANTLY! (kisses, hugs, high fives, tickles, pokes, kisses, hugs, high fives, tickles... you get the idea) She has started recognizing when she's hurt someone and is quickly comforting and hugging. And I also see the beginnings of a focus-er. She will sit and watch much of a movie whether a favorite one by herself or something Daddy's watching like sports. She will work at a little project like building with legos or sorting crayons for increasing amounts of time, even more if sister is leading the way. She is an organizer. We are still learning and watching her develop but this little gal is definitely something else. And I'm happy for that.
Any other parents grateful that your children are different from each other? I mean, similarities are cute and fun to talk about. And those are the things over which they will bond. I see the memes and read the posts often about how so many "first children" were so easy compared to the hyenas, road-runners, and elephants that enter the family later (wink wink). I feel like our family has the reverse! We had our wild child first! That's not to say that younger sister won't have wild times or difficult/stubborn times... she is my little kind-of-red-headed child, after all. But I'll take these new and different challenges that she will face and that we will face in parenting her.
I sincerely hope that I don't come off as ungrateful for my first-born. Most definitely not! Maybe I'm wrong, and we ain't seen nothin' yet from the tiny one. But boy oh boy, am I ready for the polar opposite child. BRING IT! She'll present her own set of challenges, and I'm ready to make space for those in my brain and heart.
I have two young ladies in my house who are VERY different, in many ways. And yet... they are definitely sisters. They look like carbon copies. If we hold up pictures of my oldest at the same age next to my youngest's pictures, you can't tell them apart. When my youngest speaks, I get flashbacks to her sister's adorable little voice and squeals at that age.
Yin and Yang.
They are 7-1/2 years apart in age for starters. That's enough to make a large distinction between them. But in personality, we are starting to see differences in fundamental ways.
My oldest is the bull-headed one, a ball of social fireworks. She was born shortly before the 4th of July and it SHOWS (in fact she was due right after the 4th but decided to make a dramatic early entrance)! She always is convinced that she is right, even when she's not. And she'll stick to her guns until she gets tired of the standoff. We have gone DAYS before she would finally admit her fault and apologize. Her mind is always going a-mile-a-minute, and that can cause intense creativity or an absolute disaster. Yet there's this other side to her that is incredibly caring and soft. If you are one of her favorite people, she will fall all over herself to ensure that you are okay if you appear hurt or sad. She feels her emotions SO deeply and wears her heart on her sleeve constantly. She's going to be something distinguished with that interesting cocktail of character traits! She is so much like her daddy it's mind boggling. (Though he would claim she is so much more like me)
My youngest is only 2 but even in the last four months since her birthday, we have watched her language abilities EXPLODE and that means we are seeing her express herself much more. I mean, it shouldn't be surprising but it IS! She has her moments like all 2-year-olds when she doesn't know how she feels or what she wants, and all we can do is let her have her cry about it. I can't say that I blame her. I have plenty of those days myself! Most of the time, she can tell you all about this and that - shapes, colors, numbers, characters... But what I see in her is the observer. She loves to talk to us and I hear that among "her peeps" at daycare she will talk if asked, but outside of that in new situations or even around people she doesn't see every day, she hangs back and watches. She is the shy one, the compliant one. It takes very little time for her to back down and apologize when she's made a bad choice. She LOVES her people and wants to show them how much CONSTANTLY! (kisses, hugs, high fives, tickles, pokes, kisses, hugs, high fives, tickles... you get the idea) She has started recognizing when she's hurt someone and is quickly comforting and hugging. And I also see the beginnings of a focus-er. She will sit and watch much of a movie whether a favorite one by herself or something Daddy's watching like sports. She will work at a little project like building with legos or sorting crayons for increasing amounts of time, even more if sister is leading the way. She is an organizer. We are still learning and watching her develop but this little gal is definitely something else. And I'm happy for that.
Any other parents grateful that your children are different from each other? I mean, similarities are cute and fun to talk about. And those are the things over which they will bond. I see the memes and read the posts often about how so many "first children" were so easy compared to the hyenas, road-runners, and elephants that enter the family later (wink wink). I feel like our family has the reverse! We had our wild child first! That's not to say that younger sister won't have wild times or difficult/stubborn times... she is my little kind-of-red-headed child, after all. But I'll take these new and different challenges that she will face and that we will face in parenting her.
I sincerely hope that I don't come off as ungrateful for my first-born. Most definitely not! Maybe I'm wrong, and we ain't seen nothin' yet from the tiny one. But boy oh boy, am I ready for the polar opposite child. BRING IT! She'll present her own set of challenges, and I'm ready to make space for those in my brain and heart.
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Gratitude While Dealing With Depression
Depression/Anxiety. It seems like a heavy topic, but it couldn't be more timely.
Some of us have been dealing with depression and anxiety in various forms for years, and others might be relatively new to these dark or panicky feelings. My extrovert friends especially... I worry for you the most. So anyone who has gone through a bit of counseling or long-term can likely attest that most counselors suggest starting a daily practice of gratitude whether that is in written form or through meditation. The studies don't lie, it is a very effective course of action to lift the mood and relax enough to fall asleep or start the day off on a positive note. There are physical health benefits as well, simply because it can go both ways. Exercising more directly helps to lift the mood, but also lifting the mood through other avenues provides the head space and motivation to take care of your physical health.
I made an attempt to start gratitude journaling in January in the evenings right before lights out. What I found out quickly was that my body is so conditioned to sleep when I'm in bed, that I would start, get about 5 minutes into writing and then have to put it down because I couldn't keep my eyes open. So if you decide to start up something in the way of journaling, I highly suggest doing it at your desk, kitchen table, or sofa!
What I also found interesting to guide my thoughts was a devotional book of simple prayers and single Bible verses that I can look at daily and use as inspiration for identifying my three things to journal. I wrote out the central topic or adapted the prayer for my life and then the verse after my items and I felt like it helped me process it more fully and remember it. I wanted my gratitude points to be more specific than the BIG things in my life - beyond just my husband and kids. But perhaps specific things they have done or ways they have enriched my life.
This is the current one I'm going through called "Promises From God For Life's Hard Moments": https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/168408217X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
She has a couple more that also look great for devotional purposes!
I also quit some other self-care actions intentionally and unintentionally that sent me on a slow decent. And my reasons for quitting were pretty lame as I look at them now. My reasons are usually lame, but at the time, they seem a lot more serious. Things like feeling too tired, or too stressed, or too overwhelmed. What is so important in those moments, is to remember who and whose I am. I don't belong to the things and people that are causing those moments of exhaustion or stress. I belong to God, first and foremost. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. - Romans 6:6
If you have been gratitude journaling or meditating for a while, what has helped guide your process? What benefits have you seen in your body and mind?
Some of us have been dealing with depression and anxiety in various forms for years, and others might be relatively new to these dark or panicky feelings. My extrovert friends especially... I worry for you the most. So anyone who has gone through a bit of counseling or long-term can likely attest that most counselors suggest starting a daily practice of gratitude whether that is in written form or through meditation. The studies don't lie, it is a very effective course of action to lift the mood and relax enough to fall asleep or start the day off on a positive note. There are physical health benefits as well, simply because it can go both ways. Exercising more directly helps to lift the mood, but also lifting the mood through other avenues provides the head space and motivation to take care of your physical health.
I made an attempt to start gratitude journaling in January in the evenings right before lights out. What I found out quickly was that my body is so conditioned to sleep when I'm in bed, that I would start, get about 5 minutes into writing and then have to put it down because I couldn't keep my eyes open. So if you decide to start up something in the way of journaling, I highly suggest doing it at your desk, kitchen table, or sofa!
What I also found interesting to guide my thoughts was a devotional book of simple prayers and single Bible verses that I can look at daily and use as inspiration for identifying my three things to journal. I wrote out the central topic or adapted the prayer for my life and then the verse after my items and I felt like it helped me process it more fully and remember it. I wanted my gratitude points to be more specific than the BIG things in my life - beyond just my husband and kids. But perhaps specific things they have done or ways they have enriched my life.
This is the current one I'm going through called "Promises From God For Life's Hard Moments": https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/168408217X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
She has a couple more that also look great for devotional purposes!
I also quit some other self-care actions intentionally and unintentionally that sent me on a slow decent. And my reasons for quitting were pretty lame as I look at them now. My reasons are usually lame, but at the time, they seem a lot more serious. Things like feeling too tired, or too stressed, or too overwhelmed. What is so important in those moments, is to remember who and whose I am. I don't belong to the things and people that are causing those moments of exhaustion or stress. I belong to God, first and foremost. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. - Romans 6:6
If you have been gratitude journaling or meditating for a while, what has helped guide your process? What benefits have you seen in your body and mind?
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Doin' A New Thang
So begins a new journey, a new normal. During this coronavirus health crisis, the state of Kansas has mandated that all school buildings stay closed for the remainder of the school year. And for teachers that means shifting from in-person to online learning in some form. We don't know what that is going to look like or even what kind of time it will require. Until then, we are encouraged to try to enjoy what is left of our Spring Break. My first instinct was to hibernate and cut myself off from everyone because I was on the edge of panic. However, as I learned in counseling, a little time alone when I'm craving it is okay, but I will only get worse if I continue past the point where I'm not in danger of panicking. As much as it feels like a chore or outside of my comfort zone, finding connections and spending time with others will go much farther to pull me out of my sad little rut.
That's where this crazy blogging idea comes in. Starting a blog or group has been on my list of "hobbies I would like to start" for FOREVER. I have started blog posts umpteen times in the last 2 years and then just saved them without ever going back to refine or do anything with them.
I hope that this is a hobby that turns into some sort of therapy on its own. I hope for an avenue of connection and support.
That's where this crazy blogging idea comes in. Starting a blog or group has been on my list of "hobbies I would like to start" for FOREVER. I have started blog posts umpteen times in the last 2 years and then just saved them without ever going back to refine or do anything with them.
I hope that this is a hobby that turns into some sort of therapy on its own. I hope for an avenue of connection and support.
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