This might seem like an aimless blog post, but humor me. And I don't know, perhaps some of you can relate. For those of us that are always trying to put things in perspective, sometimes it feels like we turn our thoughts to something else that should be comforting or convicting, and that opens a whole different can of worms.
I had to go up to my classroom this last Sunday for the first time since starting our "continuous learning" last week. I didn't think much of it, because the trip was very purposeful. I knew exactly what I needed and I told my husband that I would be back in about an hour (FYI, I live 30 minutes away). And ended up returning about 2 hours later... The moment I walked in to my room, and I smelled that familiar smell - part dusty, part cleaner, and I SWEAR my instruments have a distinctive smell, especially the wooden ones... It's probably like that new baby smell to moms. Then I felt the twinge. That same twinge that moms of young ones feel when you realize that your babies are away from you but they are so dependent on you.
I felt that I was supposed to be THERE, not at home. I started feeling angry. REALLY angry. All of the prior feelings of the previous week that I had forced myself to focus on (the excitement of trying something new and creating something) VANISHED. It was like someone lifted the curtain and I, the performer, froze.
If there's anything I've learned in the last two years it's that I need to let myself feel things. So I turned on my camera and talked through it. I was mad that I had somehow expected to find something in this new model that felt like my class. I didn't and I can't see how I will. Yesterday I was in the place where the magic of my job happens... one of the few places where I feel like I am in my element. And I suddenly felt really hopeless. I didn't share the video because it was such a 180* shift from where I was last week, and that was probably a good thing to keep that to myself. I needed to let that out, but also not allow myself to just wallow in it. The quest for perspective started...
I miss the kids and the interaction. However, my fellow specialists can't expect all of the kids to share what they are doing every single week in this situation, because we are separate and thus an added layer of difficulty in a homeschooling situation that is already overwhelming to a lot of our families. We serve over 480 students, and with all of them sharing in some way each week, that's a LOT. We strive so hard to make our classrooms safe spaces for the kids to participate and share. Many of the kids most certainly are NOT comfortable with this new way of sharing, so we can't expect the same level of participation that we work our tails off to foster every day of a normal week. So I chastised myself for being disappointed.
There was one bit of perspective - that this is just plain hard for the families and the kids (myself included when I have my "mom hat" on), and they are just trying to figure it all out. But at the same time, I selfishly want it to be just as important as Reading Writing and Arithmetic, and it just didn't seem to be that way. I have heard more than one fellow educator (both music and non-music teachers) say that given the choice when prioritizing time between music, art, PE activities and reading/math lessons, reading/math would definitely win.
There was another bit of perspective. My working mom brain completely agreed that prioritizing time is a survival skill right now. While the logical part of my brain gets it, it is a gut-punch every single time. I have made more than one comment to fellow music teachers that we just can't allow ourselves to take it personally when we are reduced to an optional add-on or an afterthought in this extraordinary time. I am having the hardest time "walking the talk" right now. It is those comments that start a tornado in my mind that ends in me feeling really insignificant and expendable.
If you're looking for a happy ending or a breakthrough, I'm sorry, I don't have it... yet. One of my favorite bloggers, Kristina Kuzmic, learned from a therapist years ago and now encourages all of us to own our negative feelings but to always tack on the end of them "right now." It removes that sense of permanence. I feel very discouraged... right now. I feel very disconnected... right now. I don't know what to do to feel better in this situation... right now. Somehow, someway this firestorm will either work itself out or it will fade in importance. And I'm not going to sit still in it.
So for any non-educator reading this, support your kids' teachers - ALL of their teachers. We are not okay with this new thing. We are doing it because it's required of us and we know that anything that brings a bit of normalcy to the kids is a good thing. But at the end of this pandemic, we don't want it to be "normal." I know that I can't be the only one who is incredibly frustrated and upset.
In the meantime, I'm carving out some time to separate from this. I'm going to learn new songs on my ukulele, and have late afternoon/ evening jam sessions on my porch with or without the girls. I'm going to do yoga outside. I'm going to have game night with the hubby and the girls a few times a week. For the last couple of afternoons, we spent 30 minutes to an hour sitting all 4 of us on our trampoline, throwing a ball around, and just bouncing each other around. This could be a sign that my identity has long been too wrapped up in my job. It should not be number one in my life, and this seems like the kick in the pants to put it back in its place.
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