When I first read the news on Tuesday that our school buildings would not re-open for class after Spring Break and for the remainder of the school year, the flood of emotions of all kinds was overwhelming. I spent the rest of the day either crying or on the verge of crying. After a few days of stewing, there are three emotions that have floated to the top.
Heartbroken. Our remaining concerts are canceled. Technology has ways around that, of course, and trust me, I hope and pray that I'll be able to make that happen. But there really is no replacement for performing in the same room with a group of people - synchronizing and blending our sounds and enjoying the feelings of being part of something bigger. For so many of my kids, the stage concert is what they LIVE for, strive for, ask about on the first day of music class, and count down the days to do. Also, as I have seen so many other teachers lament, so many of us save the most exciting units and activities for 4th quarter. That's the home stretch. We're all restless and Spring Fever is a THING. Thinking that I'm going to miss watching the kids play those instruments, create those ensemble moments, and play those games together just guts me.
Scared. I like technology for my own personal use. In my classroom, I use it heavily to create. I create plenty of nice looking visuals that I project (mainly so that I don't have to walk over and look at my lesson plan every 5 minutes). I'm at pro-level working with PowerPoint. I feel so savvy when I leave sub lesson plans that say, "Just start the slideshow. The music plays automatically on the first page of each song, and the slides should change automatically until the end of the song." But in terms of using technology as a medium for the kids, I start to sweat. We have a lot of devices in my building, but we also have large class sizes in the upper grades and they are only 1:1 in 5th grade. The logistics it takes to make sure that we have devices in my room for three consecutive days (for all the classes to rotate) at their particular class time, makes me break out in hives. Early on in my school's strides toward getting devices for all or most of the kids to use (over several years now), I got the distinct impression that those devices were meant for the homeroom classrooms. Yet, as a specialist, I was still expected to go through all of the professional development asking me to think of ways to utilize them. Fast forward a few years, and there's much more available. Why in the world would I still hold on to that "can't touch this" impression? Because logistics make me crazy. That's why. And solving all of the inevitable problems the kids will have using them, terrifies me. I'm on a time crunch. I only have 45 minutes every 3rd day. With the big kids I find I have about 30-35 minutes to Get. Stuff. Done. Anything with tech, had better serve whatever performance skill we are working on in just a few minutes or reinforce a concept better than the physical experience of playing instruments, singing games, or dancing.
Grateful. Why such a different emotion? Well, I just got the biggest kick-in-the-pants of my career. Prior to this it was coming back from only 6 weeks of maternity leave and realizing that I was not emotionally ready, but I was also emotionally obligated to get my "other kids" ready for their performances. That was ROUGH, and I had to trudge through that. Well, here I am emotionally strangled from missing out on some of my favorite opportunities for connection with the kids and their families, but I'm emotionally obligated to try for their sake to use this medium that fills me with fear. If ever there was a time to engage the kids through tech, it's right now. So I am grateful for the nudge (though it feels like a drop-kick). And I'm going to try my darndest to make something of it.
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